You seem so closed off, but so am I.
Like no one could ever understand why you are the way you are.
You don't trust me.
In a way that I would never get you.
You seem to be self-concious.
I don't know why.
You keep to yourself and are very careful to choose your words.
But when you open up it's like seeing into your head.
And everything inspiring and strong inside it.
You don't give yourself enough credit.
You are so much fun to be around.
You are funny even when you think its gonna be stupid.
You are interesting even if you think its gonna be boring.
I like to make you laugh.
I like it when you make me laugh.
I feel like it helps in some way.
You are very beautiful and your presance is soothing.
As strange as that sounds.
When you smile I feel like I can't stop smiling.
There is nowhere else I would rather be.
Your voice is like medicine to my ears.
When all I hear everywhere else grinds at my eardrums.
I forget about all the stuff that makes me crazy or miserable.
I like telling you things that I would never tell anyone.
It makes me feel like there is someone who cares.
Even if I don't know for sure if you care or not.
Heavy doses of reality hit me a lot of the time.
I don't really know all that much about you other than what I see.
I feel isolated all the time.
Not just from you but from everyone.
A feeling that most of me is just used to but it still feels wrong.
To be completely honest with you.
I rarely care about anything at all.
Side effect of the green saturated in my head.
And years of being depressed without medication or anything good ever happening to me.
It is completely self blamed, self induced and continuous.
I seem very awkward, shakey and very very self-concious.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and just get disgusted with myself.
Something is always on the tip of my tongue and I won't say it.
I get that way when anything is on the line.
The anxiety is overwhelming.
And I still seem so closed off.
I don't show anger or sorrow because it would make me look weak.
Even though I am weak.
I don't know how to show sympathy or empathy so I don't expect it back.
My head doesn't work and I can never express myself in the way I want.
Thoughts get bunched up in a traffic jam and I close down and retreat.
When I'm around you it all comes back.
Everything I want to be suddenly returns.
Even though most of the time its still hidden.
You are my lifeline to that surreal happiness.
If you were gone I wouldn't care about myself.
I think I would be dead somewhere in a ditch overdosed on some strange drug.
The reason I never tell you these things is because I'm afraid of where it would lead.
What would I do with all that happiness? Nothing.
What would I do if I got crushed? Nothing.
What if I never tried anything? It's the only thing I can imagine.
In my heart it's the only thing I want.
It's one of the only things I care about.
All the distractions I create and the ways I hide from the world would never be an issue.
I'm afraid to ask questions and act on it only to realize the dream I have would end.
Being hit with terrible news is a feeling I never want to feel again.
A rush of dread and hopelessness.
I fear I would sever the connection and descend into a spiral.
And yet I can't let myself get close to any person.
I am afraid to be vulnerable I am afraid of defeat.
And everything just feels wrong like I am seeing, hearing and thinking differently than everyone else.
If it all blew up in my face.
It would be that last trial I've lost.
After a loss streak lasting 21 years.
A veritable timeline of meaningless or self destructive events.
There would be nothing else to lose or gain.
Everything would be permanently gray.
Then it would all fall apart.
Not to put you in any uncomfortible situation of pity or guilt.
That was never my intention.
And it never will be.
I never had any expectations.
How can I expect anything out of anyone if I never expect anything out of myself?
It was just to tell you everything on my mind.
I've spent a lot of time analyzing myself over the years and none of this is bullshit.
If it was I wouldn't have even written it at all or thought it up. Much less sent it.
I think way to much about it as it is.
Maybe you will tell me things and trust me.
At least I could have one healthy relationship in my life.
Whatever it would be.