I'm legitimately freaking out right now. My self esteem is literally at 0. I have no confidence whatsoever. I don't think I can do anything really. I have little panick attacks in my head and shut down. Thats why I never say anything in person. The pot is really starting to affect my already fucked up head. That shit can go a lot of different ways. Sometimes I get talkative and fake. Other times I'm just shut in a little box. Half of the time I'm totally apathetic. The other time I'm getting pissed at myself for it. 
	I dont trust anybody except my stupid shrink. I don't know why. I get all paranoid and nothing seems real. My thoughts seem more real than this. I'm probably the most uncomfortible person to hang around... I'm not even really sure why u even invite me over at all. I cant ever fuckin say anything or do anything a normal person does. Im just wracked with self doubt and I always retreat...always. I constantly think of what I should do or say and it never works out. Lol and u prolly think im some unic chior boy huh? Never talking about sex or doing anything with anyone ever. I'm just a little uncomfortible with it. It's because I haven't ever trusted anyone enough to make myself that vulnerable.
	Everything I could possibly get angry at is all at myself. See thats what I do..take it out on myself. Theres no one else to take it out on. I can't let anyone know or let anyone in too close. 	Maybe u don't even care. I'm not really sure why I'm even saying this its like overall I have become used to being miserable. I pretty much hate all my friends or I dont care what they do or say. To be honest u are the only person I care or think about, other than getting my next fix... I dont even think about that very much. If u were gone I would have an empty head. I think I would be dead in a ditch somewhere OD'd on some crazy ass drug if it wasn't for you. This is very serious and I wouldn't joke or lie about it. 
	I guess the reason I would tell u this is to kinda explain why I am the way I am. Most of what you see isn't me. Since no one else knows I really want to trust someone and get out of this state of mind. If nothing else u can pretend ur reading about some crazy person and shrug it off. Cuz I certainly don't expect anything. I never have. I'd be suprised if I even sent this at all. If I do I most likely sat with the mouse over the send button for like a few hours thinking whether or not I should. With a shaking hand, and everything else shitty in my life would completely disappear.